The Battle Roar of Sekhmet

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Tyrannohotep

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The Battle Roar of Sekhmet
« on: June 01, 2016, 12:01:30 AM »
The Battle Roar of Sekhmet

So this is a short story I wrote a couple of months back, which is set in ancient Egypt during the reign of the "heretic" Pharaoh Akhenaten. The protagonist is a veteran warrior who must protect her beliefs, and her little niece, from Akhenaten's persecution of people who won't follow his new Atenist religion. Also it has leopard/lion hybrid felines.

I know someone else here has seen and reviewed it, but this self-promo is for those who haven't.
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Sheepy-Pie

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Re: The Battle Roar of Sekhmet
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2016, 02:57:24 AM »
Before I read it, I'm just going to say I love Egypt and by the title I am hoping to see a certain lioness :B Mythology is my favourite aspect and in fact I did start writing a novel years ago where Seth and Horus were battling each other and got their priests involved.

I'm not sure if you wanted a little critique, but I have done one anyway :P

 I got confused in the first paragraph (won't help that I've only been up 10 mins) - what bears Sekhmet's likeness? Cause it seems like you mean the flies.

I like the details you add to try and make it realistic, though one thing which has stood out is Ay's stubble. Especially as a vizier I don't think he'd have any stubble. Same with the use of devil, because that's a more modern thing. Maybe use something like snake - especially to liken Apophis. Again same with pole-vault though for that all you'd need to do is get rid of the pole bit and just say they vaulted over.

As far as I know wildebeest aren't in Egypt, I've never come across mention of them. You could use horses, ostriches, or antelope. Or if you are feeling very adventurous have a hippo :P

You also have three instances of But as your start for speech

Next section:

You need to be consistent with your deity names, you use Anpu which is Egyptian and Sutekh which is Greek from what I recall. Set would be Egyptian. I have never heard of spelling Hathor Hetheru (do you have a source so I can see please? :) ). As for Khnum and Sobek I think that's one of their Egyptian spellings. So the thing is do you want your readers to understand which gods you mean without prior knowledge or do you use spellings only certain people might understand. For example especially Anpu, one of the only reasons why I know that is Anubis is because I named my cat Anubis and looked at other spellings. Your call :)


Ok overall it was enjoyable though obviously with my prior knowledge it was easier for me to stumble. There were a few places where I had to read back a couple of times cause I got a bit confused, but nothing that can't be fixed with editing :) I think some of the fight scenes need fleshing out, especially with the lion-leopards, as it seemed a little unrealistic how she managed to get away quite easily.